How to make an impression

I’m not sure what others are like when they are shopping, but I’m a list shopper. I either have the list written out or if there’s only a couple of items the list is in my mind, which causes me to focus on those items running in my mind. I DON’T walk aimlessly about – looking at everyone who passes me, just in case I know them!

So I’m in line at the post office, and I get a tap on the shoulder and the words ‘Snobby bitch’ (Always a wonderful way to start a conversation.) I turn to the ‘voice’ and the shoulder tapper, to find it’s a bloke I went to school with! He then processed to explain to me that I walked straight past him and didn’t say hello outside.

Which made me instantly think. I’ve not fucking seen you in over ten years! I’m flat out recognising people I know so how the fuck am I suppose to recognise you!

It was a moment of awkwardness, the point in time where you want the line to hurry up so you can get served, and not have to stand there making small talk with someone from high school, who you had very little to do with back then, but has suddenly popped up out of no where trying to be your best friend right now.

Finally I get served, and I think ‘Thank fuck” I turn and leave and he FOLLOWS me – I couldn’t fucking believe it, he got out of line, and followed me outside to continue the conversation. Except now, the words coming out of his mouth, is him asking me out (Like on a date) before continuing with. ‘Oh unless you’re married of course, then you know it would be like a catch up coffee’

I’m standing there stunned. Wondering if I’m dreaming? He’s putting in the hard yards now with lines like ‘Oh you’ve not changed a bit since highschool, you must still get asked for ID you look so young!’ (Get me a bucket) I’m standing there thinking how the fuck do I get away from this bloke.

So I did the one thing I rarely do. I pulled out the gay card. Now I’m not one to run about waving the gay flag, telling everyone. Hi I’m Sal the lesbian. Because I’m a person before I’m a sexuality. But sometimes you have to reveal this information because. A) The person you’re telling you’re gay is fucking stupid, and b) see option a.

He asked again ‘so are you married? A girl like you would have surly been snapped up by some lucky bloke’ (The lines are getting worse)

I answer: No I’m not married, I’m gay. It was lovely to see you but I have to go, Bye’ All out in one breath, short and sharp, moving away before he has time to process what I’ve just blurted out to him.

He's there dumbfounded and comes out with an even more delightful line (better than Snobby Bitch) 'what like a dike?' I couldn't help myself. I DO NOT like the word Dike. 'No I don't stop water, I just fuck women like you do!' I didn't wait around for his response. (or perhaps punches!) I got in my car and left.

Now re-telling this story when I got home, I think to myself. This bloke is a red neck. The type that believes women should be bare foot and pregnant at all times. So if anything I’ve not only pissed the guy off for rejecting his manliness, his pickup lines such as snobby bitch and invite to 'get a coffee'. But I’ve added to my list of haters who want to bash me, and ‘show me the right way’ (The right way being a relationship between a man and a woman!) As he falls into the category of 'Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve' bullshit

So with that out of the way, I think I got away with down town Hicksville reasonably unscathed. Until another ‘friend’ dropped by this afternoon and accused me of ignoring her. I was like how the hell can I ignore you if I never bloody seen you? I was a bit ‘irked’ by this one. To the point of ‘you’ve got a voice – try saying hello!’ It’s now 10:15pm so it’s no doubt already around town that a) I’m here for the weekend and b) I’m a snobby bitch who can’t say hello and c) I’m gay! (Or a wall that keeps water separated!)

Welcome to the back of fucking nowhere people:

Population My parents + a bunch of fucking inbred yokels!

That’s all I’ve got.