I’ve got that suffocating feeling again, like I’m stuck in a deep pit, and while air is able to fill my lungs, the oxygen just isn’t travelling through to the rest of my body. This huge weight seems to be dragging me down, and the more I try to fight and pull against it the more I struggle.
I’ve came to a realisation today as to why I never complete anything. I get bored easily. If I’m lucky and can sneak into that forward propelling motion of achievement regarding getting an assignment done, then I often surprise myself by the amount of work I can get done in a day. Each time that happens, I think to myself – now if I could just do that more often, I’d have my stuff sorted out and I’d get more time to do what I wanted, instead of feeling like I’m chained to this desk, endlessly looking at information I really don’t understand, yet attempting to make it sound like I do.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want someone to just hand me my degree. I want to say I worked hard to get it, but some days, like today, I think to myself – what the fuck are you doing? Will this all amount to anything? Or am I just wandering off on a tangent of something that takes my fancy like I always do. I remember a ‘friend’ and I use that term very lightly, used to tell me I was the most indecisive person he knew. I couldn’t make a decision and stick to it. I disagreed of course, but that one comment of ‘you’re so indecisive’ has stuck with me, and I was told that over ten years ago, that now I’m beginning to think, was he right? (This ‘friend’ is now on the list of I’ll prove you wrong you fuck!)
Another moment of your mind fucking with you! Memories are great, but I seem to have the shitty ones on replay :(
That’s all I’ve got.