Sunday, April 25, 2010

Why are the shitty memories the ones that are always on replay?

I’ve got that suffocating feeling again, like I’m stuck in a deep pit, and while air is able to fill my lungs, the oxygen just isn’t travelling through to the rest of my body. This huge weight seems to be dragging me down, and the more I try to fight and pull against it the more I struggle.

I’ve came to a realisation today as to why I never complete anything. I get bored easily. If I’m lucky and can sneak into that forward propelling motion of achievement regarding getting an assignment done, then I often surprise myself by the amount of work I can get done in a day. Each time that happens, I think to myself – now if I could just do that more often, I’d have my stuff sorted out and I’d get more time to do what I wanted, instead of feeling like I’m chained to this desk, endlessly looking at information I really don’t understand, yet attempting to make it sound like I do.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want someone to just hand me my degree. I want to say I worked hard to get it, but some days, like today, I think to myself – what the fuck are you doing? Will this all amount to anything? Or am I just wandering off on a tangent of something that takes my fancy like I always do. I remember a ‘friend’ and I use that term very lightly, used to tell me I was the most indecisive person he knew. I couldn’t make a decision and stick to it. I disagreed of course, but that one comment of ‘you’re so indecisive’ has stuck with me, and I was told that over ten years ago, that now I’m beginning to think, was he right? (This ‘friend’ is now on the list of I’ll prove you wrong you fuck!)

Another moment of your mind fucking with you! Memories are great, but I seem to have the shitty ones on replay :(

That’s all I’ve got.


Carolina Valdez Miller said...

Oh, I've been here. It's so true sometimes--seems like the awful memories are the ones that keep coming back to us, usually when we're feelings most stressed. Why is that, I wonder? It's like when you're most vulnerable that the hardest stuff hits.

Well, I certainly hope things look up for you a bit tomorrow.

Wendy aka Quillfeather. said...

I am really lurking and this is a figment of your imagination....

Thought-provoking post, Sal.

Things can only get better, right?

PS. Your new blog looks very swish!

ScoMan said...

I think we all have these moments of doubt, where we wonder if we're doing the right thing.

But you stick with it and something will happen which reminds you what drew you to that in the first place.

Even if it's just to prove the doubters wrong.