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Sunday, December 7, 2008

Not happy Jan!

I should have married you!

Is there a formal way of reply to that statement? I’m not sure – but this is part of my response.

How would marrying me have made a difference?

I suppose I should fill in the background to the lead up to the above exchange and the conversation that followed.

I was at a friend’s birthday party last night, and one of the guests was my friend we’ll call him Mr X. Mr X was my best friend, he and I lived together as ‘flatmates’ ‘roomies’ ‘cohabiters’ whatever label you want to put on it, at various houses, flats, apartments in Brisbane over several years. I’ve known him since high school, however when he got married a few years ago he moved away, and well people drift apart, lives go on etc. Last night was the first time in what felt like forever since I’d seen him, and as always the time apart seems like nothing when we’re together. Two years could pass, and it would feel like I only seen him just last week.

Mr X was at this party of a mutual friend solo. His wife was visiting her mother so it was the first time in 3 years since he and I had really spent time alone together, as we had in the past.

As the evening progressed our group that has split off (As you do at parties) got talking about ‘old times’ re stuff at school, and also times we all shared in Brisbane together. We spoke of half naked runs down quiet suburban streets, alcohol consumption that has done irreversible damage to our livers, overall ‘good times’ when Mr X just comes out with the statement of the night ‘I should have married you’ looking straight at me, and taking hold of my hand. Now one could be quick to say it was the alcohol talking, but then he repeated the statement with ‘Seriously I should have married you Sal’

My friends husband spoke up and said ‘You can’t marry Sal, you’ve got the wrong bits for her!’ trying to make light of the situation, which I was thankful for. However there was a long pause before I said the following.

Mr X, I love you, I do, you were my best friend, and we had the best of times together, however how would marrying me have made a difference?’

‘Because you’re fun, you can take a joke, have a laugh, like the same movies and TV shows that I do’

‘I can be all those, and not be your wife’ was my response

He slumped back in his chair, and agreed before getting up to get another drink. The others in the group looked at me, watched him leave before another friend of mine’s boyfriend who’s a fuckwit, came out with the cutting line which fucked me right off “It’s a shame you’re gay Sal cause you and him would be perfect together.”

I then unleashed a rant of abuse onto him, as that was a fucked thing to say. Its not like I woke up one day and thought Hmmm might be a lesbian today! Woohoo! I think of all the male friends I have, and how much ‘easier’ life would be if I could just like men ‘like that’, but I don’t. Yes I’m in a minority, but there’s fuck all I can do about it as I like women, it’s that simple. I can’t ‘live a lie’ and pretend to like men, as I know when if comes to it the darkness of not allowing myself to be me would just swallow me up.

I’ll most likely be alone for the rest of my life, which at times really does suck, however it’s probably a good thing that I’m fond of my own company.

That’s all I’ve got

1 comment:

SharpFinale said...

Oh wow. That must've been an uncomfortable situation..slightly sad too.
So where do you and him stand now? Did that conversation damage your friendship with him in any way?
It's really good that you accept your sexuality:)